Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
