How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
True but thats because hes a fetus.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
