don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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