Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
As shirtless as possible
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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