Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
