She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
