call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
