my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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