I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize