I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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