i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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