She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
