My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
