Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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