we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Randomize
