can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
