there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
