i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
