OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
