dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
