I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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