This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
