You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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