So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
