this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
