census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
