I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize