I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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