Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
i think my cat just said my name.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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