what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
