fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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