a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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