I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
