Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
