i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
