My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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