Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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