nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
