dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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