im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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