He is such a slut. More and more my type.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
