Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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