Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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