Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
