Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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