I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
