im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You need Xanax blowdarts
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i out mim tonsoeep
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize