dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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