No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
