Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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