He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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