You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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