woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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