your parents love me but you hate me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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