It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
