I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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