He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
