we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am naked and annoyed.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize