screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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