I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
